A Hidden Cause
I have to be honest with you all. I am sitting here writing this on Sunday at almost midnight, basically the same day you are reading this. I had prepared a blog for tomorrow, but it just didn’t sit right with me. I sat down to get ready for bed and felt the tugging of my heart saying “be real.” So, here I am, writing this week’s blog post the night before it goes live.
So time to get real. *cue the stomach drop*
I was mad today. Angry. Upset. And sure enough, this all happened while I am at church. At one point at church I was fighting back tears because I was so mad. Mad at 2020 and the world for being the constant chaos it has been the last 8 months. I was mad about work and feeling a lack of motivation because I’m beginning to second guess what I even want to do with my life. I was mad about the way our society is now, the hurt, pain, injustice, fighting, and overall just mad that we have come to a place where we are divided as citizens, and even as brothers and sisters in Christ based on who we see fit to run the country, whether or not to wear a mask or divided on the stance of the church during a time such as this. I was mad at the longing for some sense of normality, consistency. It didn’t seem right to walk into church, not being able to see the smiles of people singing during worship, sitting with the friend that just needed the company, still feeling like something was missing because the faces you haven’t seen in 8 months still are not back at church or may never come back. It was weird, and I was mad about it, and so many other things.
If there is one thing you should know about me it is that I don’t get mad very often (ask Megh and Alicia and they will tell you), but, when I am mad, I do not scream, slam doors, or throw my hands up in the air and quit. I do not pick fights (most of the time), or share why I am mad (this is one of the few times). I keep it bottled up inside, not wanting to show people what makes me upset, however, there are points when that anger builds upon itself and slowly I succumb to the weight of this pent up anger and begin to verbally process, my body begins to shut down, and oftentimes I cry. Well, friends, today was one of those days, and it happened at church.
I told myself, “Rebecca you can’t be mad right now, you are at church, now is not the time.” “Pull yourself together because you are about to walk right up on that stage for worship and you cannot be angry.” Yeah, so that was a whole internal train of thought that happened while walking up on stage to begin the service. After worship, I sat back down and began wrestling again with my thoughts, but this time a little differently. The real question was, why here, and why now? A dear friend earlier that morning asked me how I was doing and I said, fine, she knew in an instant I was putting up a front and she sat down and said, “No really, what’s going on?” *cue the point of my verbal process release of anger* And as I went through the morning finding my answer of why now, I realized that this time served as a reminder of surrender.
Here’s the thing friends, it is OK to NOT be ok. This can take many forms, but it is ok to be angry, to a point. Let me ask you a question. If you are angry at something or someone, where is the root of that anger coming from?
Galatians 5:22 begins to talk about the fruits of the spirits, but just a couple verses earlier in Galatians 5:19 we see the behaviors of someone who is not being led by the Spirit.
Galatians 5:22-23 “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”
Paul writes in verse 19 “Now the works of the flesh are evident... “ He writes out an extensive list starting with the word “evident” and includes the phrase “fits of rage.” And as I sat with my anger in the middle of the sermon, I realized that this fit was the sign that I was falling into my flesh. But why? The root of my anger, the hidden cause, was stemming from the lack of control I had over the things I was angry about. Building up all of this anger was my way of trying to take control rather than give control. Go back up to the 3rd paragraph and you will see a common thread, I am not in control.
Can you relate? It is ok, we have all been there at one point or many. But what is amazing is we have a good God that we can surrender our anger to. We can surrender our control too. Do I like giving up control? Not at all, but the anger that was once there is filled with the fruit of love, joy, and peace. I was reminded today about why I was angry right then at church, holding back the tears underneath my mask and hat onstage singing Way Maker. This song proclaims God is a promise keeper and He promises to always lead us in our lives to bear the fruits of the Spirit and promises us, reminds us, that his kingdom WILL come and His will WILL be done.
Surrender says, “God’s will be done”
Surrender proclaims: “He must become greater, I must become less”
Surrender insists: “God is the one who is in control”
If you look at the 3rd paragraph again, you will now notice the opposite pattern, God has control over every single one of those things that built up anger inside of me over time. I could complain, verbal process, and cry as much as I wanted, but that wasn’t going to get me over my anger, surrendering the root of my anger was going to uproot the bad branches and begin to grow new fruit. When we let our anger control us we are living out of our flesh (Galatians 5:19), it’s when we draw near to God, surrender our hidden cause for our anger, that the fruits of the Spirit in verse 22 are able to begin to see these fruits grow.
Hebrews 10: 22-26 let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
So here is to surrender, one of the not so easy things in life, but one of the most relieving feelings in life. I challenge you to examine how you feel, find the root, and figure out the Why? What is the Hidden Cause? I’d love to hear from you how this spoke to you. I am not going to lie, I was super uncomfy writing this because it’s real and life can get messy. But here is the thing, we are all imperfect people that serve an oh so perfect God!
Check out the song Simple Pursuit by Passion as we go back to an unswerving faith in the power of God’s name.
