20/20

Psalm 32:8 - The Lord says, “I will make you wise and show you where to go. I will guide you and watch over you.”

Finding and accepting God’s plan isn’t easy and His answers aren’t always what you want them to be.

I have prayed and prayed for certain things to happen, but the prayers sometimes seem unheard. In those moments, it’s hard to believe He’s there and it can be tempting to smite God or turn away from Him. I urge you not to turn down the path of distancing from Him, but to stop and look back with clear eyes. 

On March 3, 2020, I sat on the floor of my bathroom, sobbing because of how God answered my prayer. For some context: I’m a professional actor and I have been working my entire life to make a career for myself. My parents even moved me to a bigger city in my freshman year of high school so I could get better theatre training. I went to college to obtain a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in Musical Theatre. Though I was in a pretty good program, halfway through my junior year of college, I felt the call to leave school to pursue this career full-time in New York City. I am so thankful to have had the full support of my family in that process and that they never doubted my nontraditional career choice or path.  

Not long after leaving college, I met this amazing guy, who also fully supported my dream. I literally told him on our first date that I’d be moving out east within 9 months and it didn’t scare him one bit. Spoiler: God had even bigger plans for the both of us. Over those next 9 months, I booked and worked my first two professional gigs, my boyfriend proposed, our savings were rapidly growing, and everything seemed to be in His plan. 

When February rolled around, we had saved enough money to move, and, on February 28th, we got on a plane to tour apartments. We saw three apartments and fell in love with one. When we got home, we began an application to lease that apartment. My now fiancé had been doing interviews for jobs in New York while we were still in Minnesota and we were waiting on a job offer to complete the application. The offer was set to come in on March 2nd. It seemed like God was leading us to be completely moved within the next few weeks.

The job offer came in lower than we expected, which would make it impossible for us to afford the apartment we were applying for. The realtor, who showed us our apartment, called to let us know that, without a job out there that paid enough, we would need a co-signer. Neither of our parents could financially commit to co-signing, as they’d be responsible for the rent if we couldn’t pay. 

Why am I telling you all of this? Because I felt gutted. I was helpless. I’m tearing up again as I write this because it broke my heart to feel that God was absent when I needed Him. I felt He was telling me that my dream was wrong. We lost the apartment, the hope of a job was gone, and it seemed I had wasted time pursuing a career that I wasn’t meant to do and worked so hard to do. It seemed that He was telling me I should close the door. 

I was wrong. 

Not a week later, NYC became the epicenter of the COVID-19 pandemic in the contiguous United States. The hospital they continued showing on the news is only blocks away from the apartment we were hoping to lease. Everyone my fiancé interviewed for began a hiring freeze. Theaters and national tours shut down. Had we moved, we would both be jobless, stuck in a lease we couldn’t afford, and in the middle of the scariest health crisis we have faced in our lifetimes. God didn’t say, “No.” He didn’t say, “You followed the wrong path.” He said, “Have patience.”

In this world of constant changes, it is so hard to have patience. For us, patience brought the clarity to see that, even though we had been knocked down, it wouldn’t be forever. This isn’t the first time I’ve looked back on a trial with clear eyes. It has happened to me more times than I can count and I never expected them to be the biggest blessings. One day, the time will be right and we’ll get to go out east: safe, happy, and healthy. 

Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks. And God’s peace, which is so great we cannot understand it, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”

No matter what, whether we agree with Him or not, God has got our backs. He never leaves a prayer unanswered. If there isn’t a clear yes or no, ask God for wisdom. In my prayers to move to NYC, I asked, “God, if this is in your plan, please let it be.” You’ d think that, because that was my prayer, I would have had more peace when things went south, right? Wrong. I was devastated and that’s okay. You can mourn what didn’t “go right”. Just remember to ask for His wisdom and patience. He will always reveal why things came about the way that they did and it may become a bigger blessing than the path you’d have chosen.

Does it still hurt sometimes to know I’m stuck in Minnesota when I so deeply long to be in New York? Yeah, but I also find myself praising God in those moments because He didn’t let me push forward when it was so unsafe to do so. He was looking out for me and for my fiancé. He has made the same commitment to you. This is so clear in Isaiah 43:2 - “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. When you cross rivers, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, nor will the flames hurt you.”

What is the unanswered prayer in your life? Have you taken the time to ask God for the wisdom to see why things happened the way they did? How have you seen God in the past use unanswered prayers you wanted in your timing, to help you trust in His timing?

God will never leave us. He will never forsake us. Friend, it is my prayer that, in the bleakest times, you ask God for His wisdom and ask Him to help you to be content in the waiting. I know it’s hard, but He always comes through and He always will. That may not make things easier now, but you will reap so much joy when the struggle has passed. Hold tight to the truth, spend some time in the Word, and keep seeking after Him. He will always be there beside you.

You only have to ask.