When you were a young child, adults probably asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up. It’s a harmless question on the surface, but diving deeper, I think it puts pressure on occupational identity at a young age. Maybe you remember what your answer was when adults asked you that question. I find it interesting that we answer that question with a job or a title: ballerina, police officer, doctor, astronaut, etc. and not a character trait: kind, funny, honest, brave, smart, etc. As kids grow older, that pressure to lock down a career before they are even old enough to drive weighs on their view of work and identity. Our focus should be on values, curiosity, and interests, not a 9-5 job that narrows their worldview into success equals worth.
Some other questions that are presented as “ice breakers” for teens are also sneaking into how we form and shape our identities. Are you proud of who you have become? How do you identify yourself? Are you becoming who God created you to be? These are heavy questions that often have a simple answer followed by a shoulder shrug.
Are you proud of who you have become?
Yes, most of the time
How do you identify yourself?
I am an educator, coach, daughter, wife, mom, follower of Jesus
Are you becoming who God created you to be?
Ahhh, yes?? I don’t know.
When I introduce myself to a new person, my answers to those questions depend on the context. If I am in a professional setting, I usually say where I work or my occupation. If I am in an informal setting, I might ramble off a list of titles that I associate with. We live in a day where our successes and accomplishments are intertwined with our identities. It was not until I had a baby that I realized my identity had drastically shaken before my eyes. I was a strong student who was involved in multiple activities in grade school. I attended all of my college classes, stayed in the lines, went to church on Sundays and Wednesdays. I worked hard at my job and I was good at it. Who I was was directly wrapped up in what I did not who I was or wanted to be.
“The Heartbeat of the Home” is a podcast created by one of my dear friends, Kristin Heater. She recently had a guest interview about identity that sparked a lot of thoughts about my own path into becoming who God created me to be. The guest on episode 11, Shelly, talks about how she remembers nursing her newborn on the couch and thinking to herself “Is this it? It felt like the person who I had built and that I’d become– it was like somebody just took that– and wiped it off the table.” I had to pause the podcast right there. I related to Shelly’s story and never realized how to say what she said about being a new mom and mourning who you were before.
I had a very similar thought process to Shelly. I went from being good at a job that I loved doing to being brand new at a job that I was unfamiliar with. My identity as a teacher was scattered apart. Yes, I was still a teacher, but my responsibility to be in the classroom in front of my students shifted to my responsibility to feed and comfort my newborn.
Our identities need to be built on foundational principles that are unwavering. Everything that I did that had formed my identity could not be taken away, true, but I needed to significantly redefine what being “me” meant. My position as a teacher, educator, and coworker was my identity for so long and when I no longer had that position, I felt like I did not know who I was any more. My prayer now has been about rebuilding my identity in the Lord. In the past, my identity was founded on things that can change: relationships, jobs, careers, where you live, status, etc. How much more freedom would be found in rooting our identities in something (SOMEONE) that will never change?
As believers, there are five truths that our identity is built on:
Because God is love, I am loved unconditionally.
1 John 4:16, “ And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.
Because God is our creator, I am a masterpiece.
Psalm 139: 13-16, “For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;”
Because God is our Father, I am a child of His.
Matthew 6:8, “Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are?”
Because God is our King, I am royalty and am an ambassador of His.
Psalm 47:6-7, “ Sing praises to God, sing praises! Sing praises to our King, sing praises! For God is the King of all the earth; sing praises with a psalm!
Because God is our friend, He is close to us and not far away.
John 15:15, "No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you."
I was encouraged by Kristin and Shelly’s conversation, but I also felt a convicted. No wonder I felt so lost and “worthless” as a new mom! My worth and value was completely tied up in being productive, accomplishments, and titles. When I had our baby, it was really hard to break that equation of “success equals worth”. I needed to learn that my identity is not in what I do but in who I am.
The adults who mean well when asking children, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” could instead ask more questions that shift the answer off of occupation and onto characteristics. “What problems do you want to solve/ what do you want to learn about?” I know it takes time (and for me, a flip in position and major life change) to work on identity and self- reflection, but who you are in Christ will never change or be taken away. Your identity in Him is unshaken.
