By the Grace of God
“But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.”
1 Corinthians 15:10
This summer has definitely been filled with some of the highest of highs in the lowest of lows. I do not know how I could have made it without Jesus, my husband, and my community. Since I haven’t written on the blog in a while, let me rewind to the spring time. In April, our baby boy was born! I went on maternity leave around Easter and thankfully my husband was also able to take a few weeks off of work. Having a baby is wild! In my opinion, there is so much preparation emphasized on the giving birth part and not as much on what to do afterwards. My husband and I did hours of research ahead of time and even more “in the moment” research after bringing our baby home. Some of my other friends who had babies before me were such a good source when it came to the “give it to me straight” facts about postpartum. The months, minutes, and moments leading up to having the baby were prayed over by so many and I felt a lot of trust and peace in pregnancy. During my pregnancy, I was working at a school that was in the process of literally packing up all the classrooms, selling the building, and moving out to a new facility. Because I was on maternity leave for the last two months of the school year, it was really difficult for me not to be there. I felt incredible guilt not being with my students as they transitioned to having a long-term sub while also having to box up my classroom and say their good-byes. I sobbed and told myself, “How can you feel guilty about that when you have the biggest answer to prayer in your arms right now?” I went from doing something I was really good at and felt confident in to being a first time mom crying because I couldn’t get my baby to latch without assistance.
Unfortunately, the buyers that were going to purchase our school building backed out of the agreement and the school board made the heavy decision to completely close down without the means for funding the next school year. I was suddenly unemployed.
The hormone crash absolutely wrecked me for a few days. There were days when, one hour, I felt absolutely helpless and then the next hour, I felt like I was crushing this new mom title. Our parents and siblings were able to visit us at our house and help in the evenings. Our church set up a meal train which absolutely saved us with delicious food we did not have to cook ourselves. I had amazing friends who swing by bringing a smile or positive conversation. I was never alone but often felt so lonely. Watching friends have free time to attend events that I had planned with them before having our baby really hurt. Not feeling like myself in my own body anymore is confusing. Watching the school I cared so much about close down is heartbreaking. Finding a new job when I thought I would be preparing for a school year was challenging. Not being able to magically take away my husband’s stress while also managing my own makes me emotional. Never getting more than two hours away from our baby without having to pump is annoying and makes going out really hard. Knowing every need has been met, but yet he still screams and cries is exhausting. Watching his hair continue to grow in more as mine falls out every day is frustrating. Going back to work and not being a stay at home mom is a mental rollercoaster.
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD! I have been praying through all of this for one thing in particular: grace. I pray for grace for myself as I heal and transition into a new job and become a mom. I pray that I will have grace with my husband as he is also learning how to raise a baby for the first time. I pray for grace for my family and friends that have sacrificed time and service to help us out. I pray for grace with my coworkers as I learn all the handbook policies and how things are run with my new job. I pray that I show grace to others as navigate this new season.
When I hear our baby cooing and giggling, it is the most beautiful, heart-warming sound. Having some time to read books I’ve been meaning to crack open has been appreciated. Rocking our baby to sleep as I feel his little heartbeat is the best feeling. Hearing his breath drift into his sleepy rhythm is a sound I never want to forget. Spending time outside almost every day has become a habit/ routine that has done wonders for my mental and physical health. Empathizing with other moms and actually relating to what they have gone through is rejuvenating. Journaling and writing down the things that are too heavy to carry in my head has been life-changing. Holding the little boy I prayed so long for is something I will never take for granted. Seeing our baby smile and react to my husband coming home from work makes me cry happy tears. Having family drive five plus hours to visit us for a whole weekend was such a blessing. Being so welcomed into a new school and a completely new position for me is encouraging. Witnessing my brother and sister-in-laws become such amazing aunts and uncles makes me so happy. Having a healthy recovery after my C-section is an answer to prayer. Feeding and nourishing our baby from my own body is miraculous. By the grace of God I live and breathe. I write this blog post with the hope that you find encouragement or can relate to a part or two, not because I have the answers, want to complain, or even boast about my experience. Grace is an undeserved favor. I pray that through the rough days and nights, I will keep grace my motto.
“But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.”
1 Corinthians 15:10
