God Knows
Broken
A broken smile
Yet no one knows
This wound of mine
It’s buried deep
These helpless eyes
Yet no one sees
I’m crying inside
It’s killing me slow
So helpless and alone...
Where do I even go
I tell myself...
No one will ever know
This pain I hold; so deep down it goes.
This brokenness
Inside of me
It’s something I can’t even see
My heart is pounding
I’m feeling weak
But I’ll pretend
This isn’t me.
...So I bury it deep.
Jesus, please come save me!
Do you ever feel helpless and alone? As though no one knows what you’re going through? Or can see the hurt you’ve buried deep within? This poem I wrote was during one of my many sufferings of depression. It’s not something I can control, it comes and goes as season changes and events take place. I’ve always dealt with it throughout my whole life and when I came to Christ I asked God, “Why?”.
I thought that once I surrendered my life to Christ, I’d be free from depression, free from anxiety, free from heartaches, and free from pain. For those who don’t know what it’s like to have depression, it’s like your mind attacking itself with negative thoughts and feelings. Your body feels weak and you feel unmotivated. It’s not something you can just make go away. When the seasons came and depression snuck up on me, I found myself distancing from God because I felt alone. I felt like God left me in the dark to cry by myself, as this numbness took over my body. Though I attempted to cry out to Him a few times, I couldn’t find myself to actually lean onto God for help. I just thought to myself, “If God already knows what I’m going through, why doesn’t He just cast it out of me?” I laid in bed for several days, sometimes even weeks, feeling hopeless and alone. I drowned myself in anything that will distract me from this numbness, which was mostly sleep and movies.
Though I felt a tug on my heart to call upon God, I felt ashamed and hurt. I was ashamed to even talk to God since I’ve been so distanced. I felt hurt because I honestly deep down felt like I wasn’t worth it to God. After finding some strength and courage, I silently prayed, “God, do You hear me? I’m sorry I’ve distanced myself… I just feel so alone. I pray that You hear this prayer and remind me that You’re listening. God, please cast out this depression and remind me of Your love. Give me strength God. I can’t do this without you.” As I kept my eyes closed, I was reminded of a verse that I had seen years ago when I first opened a bible.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18 NIV)
As I thought of that verse, I asked God to open my eyes to reveal where He was in all of this. The first thing that popped into mind was at the very beginning. When my depression came over me again; I was sitting in my room by myself and my little sisters both decided to jump into bed with me. At first, I was a little annoyed because I wanted to be alone. Then we started talking about hopes and dreams. They asked me how I was doing with everything and for some reason that did it for me. I bursted out into tears and explained how I’ve been feeling depressed and didn’t know how to get myself out of it. Instead of making me feel unheard and looking at me as someone who was broken, they sat there in silence and listened. Something about someone just listening and not trying to tell me to just be happy or saying “everything will be okay!” was comforting. All they mentioned was that I should push myself into doing the things I find peace in, like painting or spending time with close friends/family. They hugged me and I felt a sense of peace. God revealed that He was there with me in the midst of my breakdown.
He brought comfort to me through my sisters. Another time He revealed to me was the time my depression made me numb. Numb as in I didn’t feel anything emotionally. I was just there and didn’t care about anything anymore. I lacked motivation and nothing phased me. I would hang out with friends and family, but no one knew I was hiding behind a fake smile. No one knew I was in a deep depression and that’s how I wanted to keep it. I didn’t want to hear, “Everything is going to be okay.”, “You can push through it!”, “Don’t be sad. You have so much to be grateful for!”, “I’m here for you!”, And the list goes on. I didn’t know what I needed. Sometimes this numbness just blinds me from my needs. After a friend’s gathering, my boyfriend and I left back to his parent’s house. When we arrived, my boyfriend just sensed something was wrong and wrapped his arms around me. He didn’t say anything as he embraced me in silence, I felt an overwhelming amount of emotions and broke down into tears. Tears I didn’t even know I had in me. If anyone knows me personally, I hate crying in front of people nor am I the sensitive type. I usually bury things deep until I break and that’s when it all comes crashing. God revealed His unfailing love/comfort through my boyfriend. He showed me that in the midst of all of this, He’s always been there. Even if I can hide my sufferings from those around me, I can’t hide it from God. God knows! He knew I would distance myself when I fell into depression, but He also knew I would come back. He knew I needed Him and He was there in the midst of it all.
Depression likes to blind me from God’s many blessings all around. It blinds me from what He is already doing. Sometimes I forget to remind myself that I’m not alone, I have God. He has me and though depression is still relevant, coming and going. I know that if I ever get lost, my Shepherd will leave the 99 and always come to my rescue because in His eyes… I’m worth it. You’re worth it! I’m not here to tell you it’s going to get easier or that everything will be okay. I’m here to tell you that God is faithful and in the midst of your storm, uncover your eyes to see the truth. Don’t be afraid to lean into God. He will never abandon you. He’s fighting there with you and He’ll reveal that to you if you boldly ask Him.
