Living in Unresolved Spaces
Pastor Evan has been an inspiration to us since the beginning of this journey! We are thrilled to have him share with you all on how God has worked in his life. We hope you feel challenged and encouraged! Read below, comment, and join the conversation! XO, the Boldly Seeking Team
……………………………………………
As much as I was excited to begin, I honestly had no idea what I was doing. I like to think that I did about as good of job as anyone could have since no one had ever taught me and there were no posted instructions on how it was supposed to be done. Besides, I’m pretty sure I moved in the right direction and at the end of it all, I think it worked.
I think. I don’t know. Maybe I probably did it wrong. Or not. I’m not sure.
Raise your hand if you’ve felt this before. Standing at the beginning of something with equal parts excitement and insecurity as well as certain confidence and overbearing self-doubt? Yeah, that’s the story of my twenties and if I’m honest, this duality still exists within me as I’m now in my late-30’s. I’m totally cool telling people I’m 36 (certainly confident that I’m not “old”) but have a hard time telling anyone under 30 that I exclusively use Pandora. (enter over-bearing self-doubt that I’ll ever be relevant because I’m so old!)
Anyways, back to the story of doing the thing that I probably did wrong but got right (maybe) and what it taught me about living in unresolved spaces. I was nearing the end of a day-long solitude retreat and needed something to fill my last 45 minutes. It was at this point, at this Franciscan retreat center, that came across a prayer labyrinth. I was intrigued because I knew about prayer labyrinths as a means of practicing prayer but I had never walked one before.
I was in a season of life where I spent all my time trying to resolve my present frustration by piecing together how it would all fit in my future. Well, if you’ve spent any amount of time trying to figure out how things are going to resolve themselves in the future, you know it’s an exhausting, disappointing, and maddening use of time. So, my first rule was to only look at my feet the entire time I walked through the Labyrinth, keeping myself from trying to figure out how this circularly winding path would get me to the center. Second, I would walk as slow as I can because I needed this to take as much time as possible!
As I walked through this labyrinth, the path took me along the outside of the circle, then near the center, then back out toward the edge, the back near the center, winding back and forth until finally, and unexpectedly bringing me to the center of the circle. It was frustrating being so near the center (the goal & point of this whole walk!) only then to be led back out near the edge of the circle! Back and forth! Are you kidding me, whose idea was it to create hope in the heart of this pilgrim journeying toward the center of this circle only then to dash it but moving me back further away!
As my frustration grew at the nonsensical nature of this prayer walk, my heart was ambushed by the Holy Spirit. As I was walking back and forth and back and forth, the Holy Spirit showed me how I was reenacting my own faith journey. As much as I like to think of my faith journey as linear, it is better represented in this back and forth journey as I find myself near and far from the heart and purposes of God. Yet in this redemptive moment, as I was committed to staring at my dusty feet, I recognized that the steps that led my closer to the center as well as those that were taking me further to the edge, were all steps equally productive in getting me to the center of the circle. I didn’t understand how the maze was put together and how it was designed, to this day, I couldn’t tell you how it worked, but I know that it eventually led me to the center because I kept walking and trusted the path I was on.
I want resolution. I want certainty in the next step or to be able to provide certainty for those taking steps behind me but I’ve lived enough life to be surprised that I am still surprised when I don’t have that certainty. Little of our lives are experienced in a linear fashion where steps A, B, and C actually get you to the predicable end of D.
When it comes to Jesus and our faith in him, we often find ourselves looking past Jesus in search of the predictable steps toward Jesus. We often exchange a dynamic and adventurous faith which can improvise and create within the unresolved spaces of life for a formulaic linear theology or religion which takes us places we can see, define, and predict. Yet faith, the bold types of faith that seeks to walk with Jesus as a reality and not just wear him as an accessory, learns how to live within the unresolved spaces.
Abraham climbs the mountain with his son without resolution on how God’s promises will be fulfilled if his son’s life is sacrificed. Esther, hearing the exhortation of her uncle Mordecai decides that, “even though it’s against the law, I will go to the kin; and if I am to die, then die I will.” Hananaiah, Michael, and Azariah (better known as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego) committed their full allegiance to God believing God would save them, “but if he doesn’t, know this for certain…we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue…”. After being asked to go visit the most powerful religious terrorist, having no proof that this terrorist wouldn’t imprison or hill him, Ananias went and found that man, baptized him, and that man became the Apostle Paul.
The faith many of us are desiring is crafted, forged, and matured in the unresolved spaces of our life. The faith that enables us to boldly seek Christ in transformative ways finds its origin story in the places where we don’t have a resolved end in sight. Faith is grounded in a relentless trust in the person of Jesus, the grand redemptive story of God, and the leading of the Holy Spirit. May we boldly seek all the wonder of the Kingdom of God here on earth as it is in Heaven as we faithfully live in the unresolved spaces of life.
