Trust. Confidence. Hope. Assurance. Reliance. Faith.
Katie is a writer and artist, working to share stories and the beauty that is this life along the shores of Lake Superior! She loves the outdoors, finding places and businesses hidden away on day trips, and creating live theatre as a stage manager. She has walked with Christ since she was a child, and has felt called to share stories with the world, including the blog post she is doing and looks forward to starting/having a conversation with you all!
Trust. Confidence. Hope. Assurance. Reliance. Faith.
Trust. It builds with an outstretched hand of a friend, the calming voice of a caretaker, and you setting your sights on a goal and achieving it. It takes time to build, yet be shattered in moments. Losing both of my paternal grandparents at the young age of seven led me to lose trust in my body, yet opened the door to building more trust in the church. I had a lot of anxious thoughts about death, dying, and what’s next - and no one to talk to them about that quite understood. I saw that our physical bodies fail us, and started to not trust mine. It could fail at any time, it seemed. I was worried for those that I loved, and I was worried for myself. I was only seven and it was the early 90s. My parents, teachers, and coaches did not even have a vocabulary to talk to me about what was going on, let alone start to comprehend.
I went to a Catholic school, so would attend church with classmates every Wednesday, then again with my family on Sunday. For two (or so) hours a week, I would focus on my breathing, the beauty that was the Cathedral I attended and listened to the word of God being spoken. It felt like someone understood me. That someone was God. Listening to passages of anger, resentment, and fear leading to growth, peace, and happiness began building trust in a higher power. It built my trust in God and the teachings of Jesus. There was a thread of Him in everything I did. Standing up to bullies, offering a helping hand, and continual growth in Him through conversations and experiences with friends.
“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love, lives in God, and God in them.” 1 John 4:16
In college, I met a man who would eventually become my husband. As it goes with love, we clicked on a multitude of levels. We went on road trips together with friends, canoed and hiked through the Boundary Waters, attended church, and together we built a foundation of trust, hope, and reliance that led to us getting married. As a young married couple often does, we tried for children. It was a difficult, and fruitless road. I had one miscarriage that I never told anyone about because it felt like my body was failing me. I fell into the anxiety and depression that I did as a child. I lost faith in myself, lost trust in my body, lost a little bit of faith in God because I thought - why would He put us through this?
It was hard on me, and it was hard on my husband. I prayed about adoption and foster care and prayed hard about being a mother. Something didn’t feel quite right. I saw childless friends who were wonderful teachers, coaches, and theatre directors cracking open the minds and hearts of kids and the gifts that they could offer the world. That felt right. We became Catechism teachers for the high school sophomores. We were the teachers that prepped young adults in the ways and teachings of Christ the year before they worked with the priest leading to their Confirmation.
During this time, I started working at a local theatre (where I met Meghan!) and something within me told me to lean into this job. I watched kids find their voices, and although theatre life can be stressful, it was beautiful and bright. I learned a lot about myself, and supporting others, and I started to gain a little bit of confidence and hope in myself - for the stage, and for what God had in store for me. The two places I have felt most at home have been a church or a theater.
As my husband and I continued through our life together working on our careers - mine in the arts, and his in politics - the talk of children came up again. We tried different options. I hated what fertility treatments were doing to my creative spirit. It was the one gift I knew I should be sharing, and it started to fade. It took everything I had to work through this, and I didn’t feel strong enough. Even my relationship with God felt like an act, just going through the motions. I lost even more faith in myself that I would be a good mother. It was straining on my friendships and relationships. I envied friends who easily got pregnant, and became irritated with family members that asked why it wasn’t happening. It took me to a very dark place. Eventually, and in a different way, my husband lost faith, too.
We tried couples counseling. I talked to the priest that married us. He stated because I “didn’t provide him with children” that our marriage could be annulled in the Church. The words burned in my ears and were heavy on my heart. My stomach felt queasy. These people and institutions I had put so much of my faith and trust into, were failing me. After fourteen years together, eight of those years married, I filed for divorce and an annulment… and left the church.
For two months, I was lost. I started to explore my spirituality, and my own personal walk with a higher power - my walk with God. I was meditating, going for walks, listening to music, and taking in the beauty that was the world around me. I found myself saying “Let’s find out what else the Universe has in store for me.” A friend I had met at my job at the theater a few years prior reached out and asked to do lunch, and I gladly said yes. She and I talked about my divorce, what it meant for me, and how she could support me. There was a show coming up that needed an assistant stage manager, and she thought it would be perfect for me to surround myself with my friends from the theater.
I fell in love all over again. It felt like it did when I was a kid. It felt like church. It felt like home. I was creating works of art with friends that felt like family. We placed our trust in each other every time the lights went up - and pulled off some amazing shows over the course of the next year. It built up my confidence, my reliance on myself and others, and my hope for brighter and better days.
As I grew in these relationships, I started to ponder my relationship with the Church. I had explored other religions in my days since leaving it and wasn’t sure if I would be welcome back. I opened up my meditation (read: prayer) and asked the Universe (read: God) that if I was truly going to be accepted back into the Church, to send me a sign. I went about my days remaining open to what was in store for me, and open to the energy of my faith and trust in a higher power.
A month later, I was working on a show with a few friends, and the theater across the street hired someone from out of town. Friends of friends knew this guy and suggested we get together to welcome him to town. I felt so welcomed by the theater group when I was “new”, that it felt right to embrace someone new into the family. We immediately clicked. We became fast friends, and just like that feeling of being in a theater, being in a church - I knew I could trust him.
Over the course of the next few months, I let him know about my life and journey and eventually let him know where I was at with the Church. He went with me to the first mass I had been to in two years. For the first time in my life, I felt the true meaning of the word grace. He always says that God brought me back, but I always respond “Well…He sent you”.
“Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”
- JEREMIAH 17: 7-8
Our walk with God might sometimes feel like a hike. Difficult at times, but bringing us to better days if we trust in Him. Trusting in Him is trusting in yourself. Trusting in Him is trusting in those he puts in your path. If you are going through a difficult time, have faith. He is there.
