You’re So Vain & Other Lies
When I was little, I never thought twice about how I looked. I was like any other kid, laughing and playing, never looking in the mirror critically. As I got older, all of that changed. My body changed faster than other girls, I was taller than other girls. I was lanky and didn’t quite fit into my body. I wasn’t the only one who noticed and, soon, as kids tend to do, they started talking and teasing. I felt so much shame about how I looked and who I was. I would go home from school most days and cry. I just wanted to belong.
Things began to change again when I started to get noticed by guys. I mean, no one in my hometown wanted to date the weird girl, but, when I started traveling for extracurriculars, I started to get admirers. Rapidly, it all went to my head. All I wanted was approval. All I wanted was to be wanted. The prettier I was, the more guys wanted me. Being wanted became the indicator of my worth. Over the next ten years, I went through highs and lows of depression, leaving little pieces of myself behind as I went forward. I was lost.
The thing about all of this that blows my mind is that I was so scared of being vain. I was so scared that I never even allowed myself to say or think a positive word about myself. I couldn’t say I looked good. I couldn’t say my heart was good. I say that as if it’s in the past but it isn't. Today, I bare a piece of my heart. I still feel this way. The difference, now, is that I can see the lies, even if I can’t fully admit the truth.
Full honesty: I almost cried when trying to take photos to put into this blog. It is my least favorite part of this ministry, having to come up with my own content photos. It is so much easier when we get together and do content photos because I know we’ll get good shots and it isn’t just me alone. Whenever I attempt to curate photos by myself, I find myself anxious, going over every photo with a fine-toothed comb, rejecting 99% of them to find the one. Jake loves every single picture of me, no matter what. He sees my inner and outer beauty shine through, even in photos I hate. I want to sob. It makes me petrified to write or post or be seen behind a camera.
I’m trying to heal. I’m trying to grow. I’m trying to teach myself to unlearn the lies.
“Don’t say you think you’re pretty. That’s vain.” “You aren’t charming, you’re fake.” “All of these ‘friends’ will turn on you.” “You’re worthless.” “You’ll never be thin enough. You’ll never be smart enough. You’ll never be ENOUGH.”
Those words echo endlessly in my mind.
What is the truth?
Ephesians 1:4 “For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight.”
Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
Ephesians 2:10 “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”
Psalm 139:14 “I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
He has declared our worth. Our value is found in Him and, to Him, we are precious. We are irreplaceable. No matter how the world holds us up and compares us, to Him, we are incomparable. I endeavor to see myself as He sees me and know myself as He knows me. I am blessed to be married to a man who has eyes like Christ and values the heart that God has given me. Jake uplifts me and encourages me exactly where I’m at. He doesn’t force me to say nice things about myself, he doesn’t shame me for not being able to accept good things. He simply and selflessly loves me.
If you feel like I do, you are not alone. The key to warding off the lies is to call them out. Your worth is more than your looks. It is more than outside affirmation. It comes from within. I’m not ashamed to admit that I have gone to therapy to learn tools to protect my heart from hurtful thoughts. You can worship God and have a therapist, too.
No matter what phase of healing you’re at, no matter how much pain you’re in, know you are loved. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. You are precious. You are good.
